My Little Internet Tanks or: How I Learned to Hate Nubs and Carry Harder

Some of you may be familiar with the popular game “World of Tanks”. For those who aren’t, here’s a quick summary: It pits you and 14 other players against another team of 15 in various game modes. The hook is: You are all tanks. I felt that this needed emphasis. No, seriously, if you haven’t played it, go to the website, read the wiki and find a tank branch that may suit your playstyle, download it FOR FREE and GET TO CRUSHING YOUR FOES UNDER THE STEEL TREADS OF JUSTICE. (Crushing may or may not happen; your online experience and definitions of JUSTICE may vary)

With each battle, win or lose, you earn experience and credits which are used to upgrade your little machine into ever more powerful engines of destruction. So, standard MMO fare right here, except with tanks. Taaaaaaaaaanks.

Now, as wonderful as this concept is, it has problems. You know, aside from the usual game imbalance issues, terrible random matchmaking system and associated problems that come part and parcel with an online multiplayer game.

As for the players, griefers and teamkillers are easily dealt with, there’s a nice reporting system in place. Or you know, you could blow them away with large-calibre ordinance, whatever tickles your fancy. I personally think they’re just a part of the landscape. No, I have a problem with a much larger, filthier set of players.

NUBS.

Again, with the emphasis. For those who have not waded deep into the cesspools of the internet, a ‘nub’ is defined as someone who, having ample time to familiarise themselves with a game, abundant statistics on how badly they are playing and with free and abundant access to instructional materials on how to not suck ludicrous amounts of donkey cock, still manage to FAIL SPECTACULARLY.

These are the people who should legitimately just uninstall the game and find something better to do with their time. It’s like they enjoy losing. (Although if they are receiving sexual gratification from being utterly destroyed in an online game, more power to them. I’m not gonna judge.)

These are the people who hide behind such trite phrases like “I play for fun”, “win rate is luck” and “I don’t care, it’s just a game” like they are the Preparation-H to treat the online anal devastation they surely receive on a daily basis. These are the type of people who turn a 15v15 team game into you plus 14 other arseholes on your side trying to make you lose, playing against another team of nubs, scrubs and the odd good player.

If you are a nub, admit to yourself that you are bad@games, and you have taken the first step on the path to gaining a semblance of skill.

I’ll be the first to admit that I was a noob once, everyone was. I graduated to being a nub once I had ground all the way up to tier 7 of two tank tech trees by playing sub-par games and getting super lucky. Thankfully for my e-peen sense of self-respect, I realised that this shit would not fly if I wanted to actually enjoy the game at higher battle tiers. (There are ten tank tiers.)

I went back to basics, started a new tank line, and read every scrap of information I possibly could about game mechanics. This was my breakthrough. I learnt the ins-and-outs of every tank I had in my garage as best I could; their strengths, weaknesses, and preferred roles. It wasn’t an overnight change by any means, but just from reading basic gameplay mechanics and understanding the theory, I got a lot better. That was about two thousand games into my tanking career. The improvement was from about an hour of free in total time spent reading the forums. One hour. I didn’t even become a ‘good’ player quickly, but I dragged myself to the ‘average’ player’s level.

This isn’t rocket science, it’s not brain surgery, and it certainly isn’t rocket surgery.

REMEMBER TO LET YOUR GUN AIM.

IF YOU MUST ENGAGE MULTIPLE ENEMIES, ANGLE YOUR FRONT TOWARDS THE ENEMY WITH THE BIGGEST GUN.

IF YOU HAVE HEAVY ARMOUR, USE IT.

YOUR TURRET IS GENERALLY YOUR STRONGEST ARMOUR, ATTACK FROM HULL DOWN WHEN POSSIBLE.

SUPPORT YOUR TEAMMATES, YOU ATTENTION DEFICIT MONGOLOIDS.

WATCH THE GODDAMN MINIMAP

USE YOUR HIT POINTS LIKE A RESOURCE.

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS KILL-STEALING, ONLY REMOVING A GUN FROM THE GAME QUICKER.

THE ONLY FAIR FIGHT IS ONE YOU WIN.

All of these are incredibly basic principles that apply to every tank, of any type. More advanced techniques like side-scraping, side-hugging, using terrain advantage, hitting moving targets at long range and learning the weak and strong points of individual tanks can come after you’ve dragged yourself out the primordial ooze. If I could do it, anyone can.

 

FOR ALL YOU NUBS OUT THERE, THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON WHY YOU CANNOT STOP PLAYING BY MEANS OF WHAT I ASSUME MUST BE YOU FLAILING YOUR PUTRID GRUB-FLESH ON YOUR SUFFERING INPUT DEVICES AND TRYING TO COMMUNICATE IN MANGLED TARD-SPEAK YOU MISERABLE SUB-HUMAN BALLS OF BROKEN CHROMOSOMES.

 

As for me? Another 8k games later, I’m in the top 10% of players on the South East Asia server, carry a 54% win rate, actually have fun doing it, and managed to not only just keep my girlfriend, but get her playing tanks as well.

Get on my level, nublets and scrublords. It’s the least you can do.

Stats

As always, stay angry my friends.

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